On Monday, July 2, I attended the Homegoing Celebration for my church’s Children’s Ministry Director. Though I never had the opportunity to develop a deep relationship with the 46 year-old awesome woman of God, I felt her presence, her Spirit, her teachings and her reach every time I entered the Chapel doors. Her leadership will drive the Children’s Ministry far into the future. Our dear Sister left a mark that will never be erased.
I felt moved to attend the Homegoing. Again, Sister probably never even knew my name – much less my face – but the Spirit told me I was going to attend. I haven’t been to a Homegoing Celebration in nearly a decade. I did, however, attend my Nana’s funeral in 2008. I wouldn’t classify Nana’s event as a Homegoing. It was a funeral. Funerals are not really my thing. I do enjoy a good Homegoing, though. At Sister’s, our Pastor explained what it’s like for a Christian to leave his physical body and prepare for the Heavenly body which awaits all of those who are born again. It was a necessary reminder of the greatness our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ has bestowed upon us. If only we would just hang up our hang-ups and walk in the gift.
As I sat with my fellow Children’s Ministry volunteers in the red t-shirt lined pews, and as I tried to stifle my sniffling, I couldn’t help but wander off into my fairy tale space. I thought about how Sister was only 10 years older than me, and how she left such a magnificent legacy. I wondered what kind of legacy I would leave. I thought about how I could become a better Christian, a better woman, a better mother, whether or not I would ever marry the man whom I adore, and how much I hated my job.
Well, as I drove out of the parking lot and started to dread going back to what, to me, is the equivalent of the County Jail, I realized that I needed a change. I’ve been working at this job for 6 years and have been miserable for at least 4 of those years. I’ve never considered this job to be my “legacy job,” the job that would define my life’s work outside of my home. Through serving at church, I’d renewed a failed passion of mine – writing. I decided that writing would be my legacy. But, writing doesn’t pay as much as my job does. So, I felt stuck again. As I drove on 85N heading towards Buckhead, I realized that neither my job nor my passion would grant me much solace or provide me a suitable legacy.
But, my character would.
This past week, I learned that my character needs reshaping. I found out that I am not the woman I was 10 years ago, or even 3 years ago. Much good has happened to me in the past 10 years: I was born again, baptized, learned to love the Lord, I am raising awesome young men, learned to teach my children how to love the Lord, I have found an earthly best friend whom I adore, and I’ve actually found what some may call “success” at my miserable job. But, I have also allowed negative feelings I have towards others to control me. Routinely, I feel envy, rage, frustration and other unhealthy emotions towards my peers, some family members and, sometimes, just regular passersby. Harboring such feelings eats away at my character.
And it has to end.
What I learned this week is that I want to be celebrated as a woman of God and a woman of great character when it’s time for my Homegoing. And, I also want to love life again. I want to love people again. I want to reclaim that joy that God gave me long before I knew who God was.
It’s going to be a process and I’m going to journal it.
Peace, joy, love and blessings,
P.S. Last weekend, I took an impromptu trip to jump into the ocean and allow the saltwater to quench the thirst of my dreadlocks. Isn’t the ocean lovely?